i just want to poor my heart and soul out, but im not sure where id begin. i feel like so much has gone on in the past month that i just cant keep up. my mind and heart/soul cant agree to anything my heart says yes but my mind refuses to agree.
first off.. my lovely aunt gave birth to the cutest human. wait did i mention i was pretty much in the room when the baby popped? ya i heard the baby cry its first cry, that was a very heart warming experience. i just cant wait to get married and give birth to my own.
/growing up// i do not want to grow up. i cry of just the thought. i wish i could just travel back and experience everything all over again, from my first nose bleed to my first love. id kill to be able to experience that all over.
/desi and i took a long drive, listening to my love, bon iver. i decided to show her where i have grown up, as we drove up to my old home, memories began to flood my head. {crazy i drove up there, we all grow up so fast.} i parked in my old neighborhood and tears immediately filled my eyes. i cried because i want to go back, i want to be a child with not a care in the world. i cried because i hate being old as fun as it is sometimes it can also be hell. i cried because i miss how i used to be. i cried because i miss my old pals. i cried because im a girl and we do that. i cried because its good for the soul.
//recently ive been feeling so horrid. in my recent past about a year ago i met an amazing fella. he is the funniest guy i know. last year he and i met at a mutual friends house, right off the bat he and i were homies, but too soon we rushed into a "fling" [you could say]. i felt like we really never had time to build a sturdy "friendship" a month or so later he asked me if i would ever see us more than just friends in the future.. i answered by saying .. i cannot. but at that moment i felt like i lost the closest homie. at the end of the year in may he and i started conversing again. the "love" started building up we hung out and it was great. the new school year started and we started seeing each other more often. we'd hang out and id love the flow, the vibe. i felt like i could be myself around him. recently we've been talking more about feelings and love. id think about it over and over, the thought would never leave my head. but the more i thought about it the more worried id get. i am so awkward when it comes to love and boyfriends and crap. i was never the friend with the boyfriends so i never knew how this all worked. we hung out this week and the vibe was great but this vibe i felt was a homie vibe. sitting around the fire, talking about life, playing the guitar, singing songs, riding motorcycles. it all was great, the night came to an end but the next moon wasnt too far away. that night was when i told him how i truly felt. my heart wanted to say yes to commitment but my mind just didnt want to agree. the question came up "why arent we official?" i had to tell him how i truly felt i cannot keep giving him false hope. i truly do love him but not the way he loves me. once i told him i immediately felt our relationship tear ive felt like ive crushed him. like ive let him down.. ive always felt if i didnt have a "fling" or an official relationship with him he wouldnt want to hang out with me. since then ive had an empty horrible feeling inside, i hate it. all i want is to sit back at that fire and keep talking till sunrise. but we all know i cant travel back in time.
im sorry. im sorry. i cannot say it enough.

Til later 

xoxo connie

8/18/13

the day after tomorrow,
will be the first day of my last year. its so surreal to think about whats coming up next. growing up, that's the answer! going to college, getting a job, moving out? its crazy I remember my first day as a sophomore I dreaded just the thought of going to high school. walking thru the doors in desperate need of finding my best friend, lost in the many halls of Orem, crushing on the seniors who were ALL so attractive. and now im here ending finishing my last year of school. this might sound a bit crazy but I  la la la love high school. the dances, football games, basketball games, assemblies, etc. if you say you don't like high school your lying. "this is OUR year. our LAST year." this is the year where you step out of your comfort zone. be YOU not being afraid of what people think. make new friends, quit being shy and make the first move. dress how you please without the thought of being judged.

 

 make this year last

 

 

 

make it YOUR year

 

 

8/20/13
 

Today was my first day. Woah. cannot be real. WHERE ARE ALL THE HOTTIE OLDER GUYS? other than the fact that the seniors from last year werent there today, it was still a blastin day. All day ive been in the greatest mood. I know for a fact that this year is THE year. im just so stoked to what is coming up this year.



step out of your comfort zone


ofa atu

xoxo connie






Yo.

Where to begin? I swear this week was full of unexpected surprises. For sneaking out to not having my homie around! May I say, it's been a good one! 

Since I'm such a "rebel" and all I snuck out with an old homie, Val. We haven't talked in ages, but when I first stepped into that car it felt like we've never stopped. Just went on talking about life like we'd normally do. Nothing's changed! 

Tragic story. So my sissy soul Desiree invited me to go to young women's camp with her. So enthusiastically I asked my parents if I could go, as stubborn as possible they said their favorite word "no". I was crushed. I didn't end up going. That week I had SO much to tell her. What a pain? Tell me about it.

Last Sunday, I was able to attend a place called "tiny tots". What's tiny tots? I'll tell ya. Tiny tots is a place were special needs kids live, either they're parents left them, they have jobs and will come and get them later, or what ever the situation is. 

These kids have such a happy spirit. As I was there singing to them with my young women. We were singing "I feel my saviors love" ( I'm pretty sure it was that song? ) as we sang I couldn't help but choke up a bit. I could feel the spirit so strong, seeing the kids smile. It was so heart warming. They are strongly looked over, they have the advantage to go straight to heaven with our Heavenly Father no matter what happens. When I was there I met this cute kid named "thane" he was simply the brightest kid. Just speaking to him, even though he'd say nothing back, he'd have the biggest smile. Laughing at my silly faces. Even though I didn't get to spend much time with him as I wanted too. I'm happy I came across his cute face, even if it was for less than 5 minutes! I'm lucky enough to be able to go back next week! My excitement can't be contained! 

Maybe if we knew what everyone was going through we'd be patient, loving and kind... but we don't so.. we should still be patient, living and kind. <not my words<

Stay chill, kids. 

Ofa atu.

love yo homie.

       Just for a laugh. 

      

Delicate.

I'm prolly one of the worst bloggers. Never know what to say or how to say it, but since I'm not gonna get any sleep tonight might as well blog something. 

I'm so excited to have a family of my own. Have little baby nugs, have a handsome man, cute little house. But wait at the same time I dread growing up! Me, being mature? Responsible? Wow that's a bit ruff. I'm way to childish to grow up, I mean come on I still sleep with my pillow pet. I don't want to leave highschool. right after is where it all hits! Reality decides to kick in for real! Not only is it cause I don't want to leave my childhood behind, but scared on what's coming! 

No to growing up. 

{ Weird that sometimes you don't talk to someone in like so long but when you do "talk" it's like you've never stopped talking. Still feeling just as comfortable. }

Delicate - damion rice. 

 listen too. Its a must! 

Lied I'm actually going to sleep, and I still suck at blogging,

xoxo 

connie

 

As we get older

i feel like as we start getting older things just become less important. For example Birthdays!! In my case I haven't celebrated my birthday in like 2 years. Yes we go out and go to our favorite food place. This year will just be slightly different, Ill be in youth conference celebrating it with my fellow Mormons. 17. Then again its not like I was going to throw a HUGE party. So I guess its chill.

So birthdays... my birthday is June 27 I'm turning 17. 1 year closer to death.... terrifying. Ever wonder about that? I do.... ALL the time.

Yesterday my homie friend came over and made a lovely mess in my room, since I wasn't going to be here she came and celebrated my birthday early with me! it was a good time!

 

Well sorry im quite the boring blogger but its fine with me. Never know what to say.... not creative.


 xoxo
connie

Late nights.

Late night listening to chill tunes. A thousand thoughts running thru my mind. Thinking about the future, going over the past. Don't you ever think how things would be if you would've done something different? I think of it all the time. Like what if I still lived in Provo or in Florida. How different would my life have been? Or from the small things like what if I would have made a left turn instead if a right turn? You'll never know cause instead of making a left turn you made a right turn, and you can't go back. Live for now. 

Here's a tune you have to listen too if you yet haven't listened to it. My all time fav "Free fallin'" by John Mayer. It's literally my go to song. Never will it ever get old. It's chill

Did I mention. I'm finally home from florida. It was a great trip spending every second with my gramps. It was bittersweet. 

This place was beyond beautiful. 

"Gonna leave this world for a while"

Till later dewss. 

xo

connie

Daddy

Happy Father's Day to my Daddy! I love that man to bits and pieces. He's the only person that I can tell anything to, without being yeld at or being misunderstand. I'm so grateful for him. So many sacrifices, and hard work. Ever since my Asian days we've been best friends. I was the first born since than I've been a daddys girl. He is seriously the funniest human I know! He says the dumbest things that make my eyes water of laughter! Even though my dads laugh is loud and obnoxious! That just makes what ever he said ten times funnier! 

I sometimes do/say things that just slip, but I can't take it back. In the end we always get over it. 

Today I didn't get to spend Father's Day with him (Miami trip) It feels lonely. I watched how my cousins hugging their dad, I was just thinking how I wish I could  hug him. Than I thought I should just be grateful that I have a dad. Others might not have one, or maybe they have a dad but he has passed or whatever it is. Be grateful others might not have what you have. Appreciate, respect, love, care for your dad. Let him know you love him. Actually let everybody know you care for them, family, friends, neighbors etc. I know for a fact it can put a smile on their faces. 

My main man.

My bestfriend.

Love you daddy,

Miss you!

Ofa atu 

connie

Buggy...

Since you don't have your cell I dunno how to communicate with you! 

So Call me? Tweet me? DM me? Facebook me? Message me on MySpace? Vine me? Comment below?

Just hook me up! 

sorry no point in this blog.

connie

Broken heart

This morning as my grandparents and I were eating breakfast. My grandpa talks to me about how one of his daughters, and how his feelings are hurt that she doesn't come over or even talk to them. After talking about the subject a bit. He talks about how he has colon cancer. He told me how last night his bag popped (he has a bag that hangs by his colon and instead of going number 2 in the toilet, he has the bag were number 2 goes to non stop) so he was saying how his bag broke last night and said how he was crying. Then my grandpa started crying, my heart tore. He try's so hard to always keep a smile on his face and just fight thru it, but this morning he just couldn't hold it in any longer. He's one tough cookie. Love my gramps. 

Also, i think im sunburned, but on the brightside my day consisted of soaking the Miami sun on da beach. 

We lost. It was quite a close game. Heat nation. 

Toodles 

Ofa atu

connie

The barn

To start off my night my main guy came and picked me up. Went on a chill long drive to a look out. SO perf. Just sat in the car looking over the view and just chatting it up. Than we were on the road again. ended up driving to "The Barn" Sounds sketchy? Yea it was too sketchy!  As my boo thang and I roll up. Everything around it is pretty much demolished, other than 2 hollow circular buildings (dont know what it's called) and the barn! So we pull up to it, graffiti all over. Guess what they all said? All of them had to do with cats. "Cat walk" supposably there's like a whole bunch of dead cats, but I saw ZERO. Bummer huh? Just kidding id die if I saw a dead kitty. So we explore the place, and there's this certain area that just REAKED smelled so bad, him and I thought there was dead cats but then again thought wrong!! So on this little adventure lets say I was  "the nosy girl" from all the scary movies! As much as I hate being scared, I love the rush, and simply exploring! It's a love hate thing! As I wanted to go explore more, the nug was scared to come across a dead cat, but I forced him to come anyway. (Didn't see anything) So we kept going on and heard cats meowing. We went to the hollow thingys and he stayed behind. I take out my handy flash light on my phone, to see what was inside. During this whole experience I was trying to play it cool, like yea I can totally go into the thing by myself, no biggie! I quickly run across and look inside, no dead anything. But what I did see was illuminati stuff, that scares me the most. Just brushed it off and kept walkin'. Here it is we approach the barn. Once again I had to act all chill and go in first! Let me tell you the inside was so RAD. I fell in love! Could take a real sick photoshoot there! (If anybody wanted one) The place was spacey and empty, graffiti inside and all. Too sick? Yea thought so! So him and I finish exploring the place and since it was by the lake, why not go to the lake??  we walk up, I was in front I thought the ground was solid, but I end up getting one foot stuck in mud. The shoes I was happening to be wearing were white chucks..... way to go. its okay that's the point of white chucks getting them dirty. Right? That was that. we left cause im the girl that has the curfew. All the way home we just fast and furious. Which means, F the Police. Good way to start off the SUMMER!

 

 

2 days till LIFT off.

 

So that's all.

 

sorry my posts are WAY lameoooo!

 

 

Till next time.

 

Ofa atu

 

 

 

connie