first off.. my lovely aunt gave birth to the cutest human. wait did i mention i was pretty much in the room when the baby popped? ya i heard the baby cry its first cry, that was a very heart warming experience. i just cant wait to get married and give birth to my own.
/growing up// i do not want to grow up. i cry of just the thought. i wish i could just travel back and experience everything all over again, from my first nose bleed to my first love. id kill to be able to experience that all over.
/desi and i took a long drive, listening to my love, bon iver. i decided to show her where i have grown up, as we drove up to my old home, memories began to flood my head. {crazy i drove up there, we all grow up so fast.} i parked in my old neighborhood and tears immediately filled my eyes. i cried because i want to go back, i want to be a child with not a care in the world. i cried because i hate being old as fun as it is sometimes it can also be hell. i cried because i miss how i used to be. i cried because i miss my old pals. i cried because im a girl and we do that. i cried because its good for the soul.
//recently ive been feeling so horrid. in my recent past about a year ago i met an amazing fella. he is the funniest guy i know. last year he and i met at a mutual friends house, right off the bat he and i were homies, but too soon we rushed into a "fling" [you could say]. i felt like we really never had time to build a sturdy "friendship" a month or so later he asked me if i would ever see us more than just friends in the future.. i answered by saying .. i cannot. but at that moment i felt like i lost the closest homie. at the end of the year in may he and i started conversing again. the "love" started building up we hung out and it was great. the new school year started and we started seeing each other more often. we'd hang out and id love the flow, the vibe. i felt like i could be myself around him. recently we've been talking more about feelings and love. id think about it over and over, the thought would never leave my head. but the more i thought about it the more worried id get. i am so awkward when it comes to love and boyfriends and crap. i was never the friend with the boyfriends so i never knew how this all worked. we hung out this week and the vibe was great but this vibe i felt was a homie vibe. sitting around the fire, talking about life, playing the guitar, singing songs, riding motorcycles. it all was great, the night came to an end but the next moon wasnt too far away. that night was when i told him how i truly felt. my heart wanted to say yes to commitment but my mind just didnt want to agree. the question came up "why arent we official?" i had to tell him how i truly felt i cannot keep giving him false hope. i truly do love him but not the way he loves me. once i told him i immediately felt our relationship tear ive felt like ive crushed him. like ive let him down.. ive always felt if i didnt have a "fling" or an official relationship with him he wouldnt want to hang out with me. since then ive had an empty horrible feeling inside, i hate it. all i want is to sit back at that fire and keep talking till sunrise. but we all know i cant travel back in time.
im sorry. im sorry. i cannot say it enough.
Til later
xoxo connie
